Dear Kiki

I posted this last month but deleted it due to thinking it would be a lost cause, but following from a comment received on a recent poem I have reason to believe the people this post was directed at are still reading my work occasionally. So, here is to hoping that they come back and see this.

Dear Kiki,

I made you a promise on the day that I first met you, and I repeated those words until the day I left. I promised that I would always love you, and that I would keep you safe. When you were older, I promised that one day we would leave together, but I left alone. The only promise that I haven’t broken is that I will always love you, and I wish I could break it, because it hurts more than anything I’ve ever felt to not see you everyday, to not know where you are, or how you are. I think of you everyday. I’m sorry that I stopped visiting. It wasn’t my choice.

When I left I was promised that I would have you back one day. I said that if the time ever came that the person I left you with could no longer care for you, that they tell me first, and I would do everything within my power to take you. Kiki, you were my first true love. You saw me cry, everyday, and although I know that when I left you won’t have understood, there’s a part of me that desperately hopes you heard me when I said goodbye, and that I loved you more than anything in this awful world.

Sometimes I’m sorry that I ever pushed to picked you up. I wish that I’d never known you, or your sisters, because that way I would be free from the sickness of worry that I carry around. Nothing can make it go away. No matter how good a day I have, you’re always there. I have no way of finding out where you are or how you are, and it makes me feel so out of control of my own life. I thought that leaving would save me, and it did, in so many ways, all save the part of me that was your mother. I spent years feeling worthless and when you came along I had a purpose, someone loved me for who I was, and it was beautiful. But even that wasn’t enough to fix what was broken beyond repair.

I guess I’m writing this in the hope that someone who knows something about how you are will see it, and there will be a part of them that still loves me the way I still love them, and they will let me know that you’re okay. I know that it’s hard, I know that it hurts, and I know that you it must be so confusing, but it had to be this way. I stayed for as long as I could, you know that, I said it often enough. We are who we are, and we love who we love, but I couldn’t keep trying to make something so wrong right. I deserved more than that, and I like to think that if you could, you would understand that and agree.

I’m okay, I’m hurting, but I’m okay. I miss you, Kiki. I love you, and I always will. I have a partner who loves me more than anything in this world, and it feels so wonderful. I have Foxy now too, he needed someone, just like you did. He’s an old grumpy man, but I know that he’d love you just as I do. Maybe one day you’ll meet them, and we can be a family again. That’s what I dream about, and I wish you knew that.

All my love, forever and always,

Mum

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Anxiety

There’s a faulty switch in my mind

It flickers on and off and on and off

I want for nothing, but still I feel sick

The signals are coming out wrong

Instead of smiling I’m crying

Instead of happiness there is sickness

My stomach turns and my heart races

There’s no reason for this feeling but I feel it

I try to turn the switch off by doing what the happy people say

But faulty is faulty no matter how long I spend in downward dog

Like a Mother No More

Very rough free written ‘poem’. 


 

The alcohol in my blood kept the room spinning

when my heart was torn piece by piece from my chest

Hot hands fell onto my shoulders,

I don’t think I love you anymore.

 

I thought of you in that moment.

 

I thought of how much I wanted you there,

Your soft laugh, warm eyes, delicate hands,

Of how your heart was going to break,

and it broke mine

 

Tiptoeing through our lives knowing the inevitable

One day I  jumped,

but he held desperately onto the rope that he had spun

somehow I cut myself loose thread by thread

 

You were like a mother to me

And I was your daughter, your friend

But you fell out of my reach

Your eyes became blind to me

 

I didn’t know what he needed

I thought I was broken,

wired wrong

But we both see clearer now

 

Although I shouldn’t think of you,

or him,

 

I do.

 

You were my family,

and love that strong

doesn’t

simply

stop.

 

Unless it wasn’t love at all.

 

For when I found myself,

what I thought was love

was replaced by disgust.

The image of me as a broken thing was preferable

 

Did you desire my misery?

Did my happiness hurt?

Because he is your son,

Because I am no longer your daughter.

 

Everyday we were us,

regardless of him,

On my darkest days you were there

but I never told you about my shadows

 

You couldn’t know his truth

But I know that you knew him

Even when said in jest, you knew him

How does that make you feel?

 

You were like a mother to me

what shadows must you be hiding to keep them from me

Maybe you did know all along how he was

Was your love as fickle as his?

 

I felt guilty,

but then I remembered

how the alcohol in my blood kept the room spinning

when my heart was torn piece by piece from my chest

 

I don’t think I love you anymore.

 

 

 

 

Dreams of You

I woke up from a dream of a life with you,

Your gentle hands held my heart,

And my fears fell away with each velvet kiss,

No fairy tale could compare to this truth,

I kissed your back and smiled as you turned to me,

Every morning we bring my dream life,

And nothing can ever take that away

(Draft)

Perfect Wreck

I was lost

as the living dead

all the pain I hid

I’d turned into myself

each day alone

the sickness grew

but I found you

you found me

 

You were you

a darling perfect wreck

I didn’t see it till

just as we kissed

your heart was broken

but I held you close

until it pieced together

making you whole

 

(Draft)

Pet Portraits & Commissions!

Hello! I’m posting today to let you know about my new (old) Etsy store, which is now open for purchasing pet portraits for a measly tenner (£10)!

As always you can contact me via email (foolishslob@gmail.com) or direct message (Instagram) for commissions and I will accept payment through PayPal, for more info on commissions check out my new commissions page. All of my Inktober drawings are for sale, offers are welcome on all.

Please share this far and wide, it will be much appreciated by me and Foxy! I look forward to working with you to create something beautiful for you or a loved one.

Thanks for stopping by. See you around.

Beth