Dear Kiki

Dear Kiki,

I made you a promise on the day that I first met you, and I repeated those words until the day I left. I promised that I would always love you, and that I would keep you safe. When you were older, I promised that one day we would leave together, but I left alone. The only promise that I haven’t broken is that I will always love you, and I wish I could break it, because it hurts more than anything I’ve ever felt to not see you everyday, to not know where you are, or how you are. I think of you everyday. I’m sorry that I stopped visiting. It wasn’t my choice.

When I left I was promised that I would have you back one day. I said that if the time ever came that the person I left you with could no longer care for you, that they tell me first, and I would do everything within my power to take you. Kiki, you were my first true love. You saw me cry, everyday, and although I know that when I left you won’t have understood, there’s a part of me that desperately hopes you heard me when I said goodbye, and that I loved you more than anything in this awful world.

Sometimes I’m sorry that I ever pushed to picked you up. I wish that I’d never known you, or your sisters, because that way I would be free from the sickness of worry that I carry around. Nothing can make it go away. No matter how good a day I have, you’re always there. I have no way of finding out where you are or how you are, and it makes me feel so out of control of my own life. I thought that leaving would save me, and it did, in so many ways, all save the part of me that was your mother. I spent years feeling worthless and when you came along I had a purpose, someone loved me for who I was, and it was beautiful. But even that wasn’t enough to fix what was broken beyond repair.

I guess I’m writing this in the hope that someone who knows something about how you are will see it, and there will be a part of them that still loves me the way I still love them, and they will let me know that you’re okay. I know that it’s hard, I know that it hurts, and I know that you it must be so confusing, but it had to be this way. I stayed for as long as I could, you know that, I said it often enough. We are who we are, and we love who we love, but I couldn’t keep trying to make something so wrong right. I deserved more than that, and I like to think that if you could, you would understand that and agree.

I’m okay, I’m hurting, but I’m okay. I miss you, Kiki. I love you, and I always will. I have a partner who loves me more than anything in this world, and it feels so wonderful. I have Foxy now too, he needed someone, just like you did. He’s an old grumpy man, but I know that he’d love you just as I do. Maybe one day you’ll meet them, and we can be a family again. That’s what I dream about, and I wish you knew that.

All my love, forever and always,

Mum

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