I’m Sorry that I Loved You

We didn’t know how sick we were

living on foundations of rotting wood

Lost children growing into the skin of adults

we kept up appearances with smiles fooling no one

A shadow hand lingers still on my cheek

and the darkness tastes like your ghost

We couldn’t see how twisted we had become

our love poisoned the water we drank

One day I lost the boy, and you lost the girl

and our hands pressed to our ears

They screamed the truth at us

but the harder we ran the deeper we crawled into our graves

With blackened finger nails and red raw cheeks

I carved into our headstone,ย ‘I’m sorry that I loved you.’

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My First Tattoo and the Dozen that Followed

I never thought that I’d get a tattoo. Firstly, I grew up surrounded by people who were very damning of them, but also I am a super wimp when it comes to pain. At least I thought I was. As it turns out, I’m pretty good at managing pain, and I have fallen in love with collecting tattoos. I have found that as a person who suffers from anxiety tattoos have helped me to feel more at home in my own skin. The more tattoos I get the greater control I have over my body. I have also found that the pain of getting a tattoo has helped me to work through a lot of things I couldn’t before.

All of this aside, I think that tattoos are a beautiful way of expressing yourself, of showing the world who you are, and they can be perfect gifts of self love. Not only do I love getting tattoos, I have also started hand poking and you can see examples of my work here. My first tattoo in March this year was a single dot hand poked by Hakeem,ย and it means so much to me because it was the start of a life I never dreamed I could have. That single dot tattoo has led up to my own self poked ‘H’ tattoo for my wonderful fiancรฉ, Hakeem, who agreed to be stuck with me forever in July this year.

Here is my collection as of Friday the 7th September 2018.

Castles and Lovers

I found our memories yesterday

I didn’t understand then

But I know now and I can’t face them

You said you could tell I wasn’t there

But it wasn’t enough to stop you.

You promised to protect me from the world

They won’t like me, they won’t care

Yet the world doesn’t seem so bad now I’m here

If I think too much I find myself crying

You knew I wasn’t there

But it didn’t stop you.

Sat with my own thoughts too long and it comes back

I see you so I close my eyes

But it’s a memory not a photograph

Everlasting, branded in my mind

Ruined, ugly, stupid, I hear it

You knew I wasn’t there

But it didn’t stop you.

You laugh

I can’t forget that laugh

You smile

I’ll never not see that smile

You swore to be my light in the darkness

But you were the shadows

I was a match, sick without my flame

Put out between your callous fingers

You said you could tell I wasn’t there

But knowing that didn’t stop you.

And knowing that kills me

Now that I understand I don’t understand

My castle was a dungeon and my lover held the key

You wanted to rescue me from them

But they saved me from you.

You knew I wasn’t there,

You knew I wasn’t there.

When it’s Over

Tell me when it’s time to go

When the curtain call is made

And all we had is left in bedsheets

Washed away by hands separated

Lost whispers intertwined in soft heat

Our scattered clothes are gathered

Hearts beat slower in time with the hum

of the world as it carries on

In constant motion we walk beside it

Fingers claw at the inside of pockets

Memories of the soft skin they drew upon

Pictures and words that could never

be spoken aloud for fear of feeling

Stand and take all you brought with you

And I’ll turn away as you leave

Eyes closed and breath held

I’ll sit and wait until you’re gone

Become another who knew you

A name on a list of names they won’t see

So tell me when it’s time to go

Or these crooked bones will stay.

Created

You work me like clay in your hands

Moulding new thoughts with each whisper

Between breaths you look to her for reference

I am becoming what you wanted